In this latest installment of the blog, we turn overseas to our friend Mr. James Horatio Horsecock III for a thick and bushy look into why beards are awesome. Sit back and enjoy this all encompassing multi-part article on our favorite face covering friend.  

The Case for Beards

by James Horatio Horsecock III 

Men’s faces are supposed to have hair on them. Period. That’s the way it is. 

Thou Shalt have Beard!

From a religious perspective, it’s an open-and-shut case. Christians: see any good pictures of God recently? What was he wearing on his face? Oh, that’s right, the old-testament-smite-the-amonites-and-sacrifice-your-first-born-unto-me-God-of-vengeance has an ass-whooping beard. But maybe you’re more the New Testament type. OK, check out ‘The Last Supper’. Beardy Jesus. Perhaps you are a Muslim, in which case, I hardly have to argue the point that God intended for you to have a beard (if you are a man). Jewish? Oy vey, but every single depiction of old school Israelite battlefield badassery has somebody sporting a beard; Moses, David, Joshua, the Maccabees….. 

Ok, work beards are ok unless your this guy.

But OK, maybe you’re not so religious, and you prefer modernity. The practical approach, huh? Like you’re a guy, thinking, ‘I’d like to have a beard, but I’ll get in trouble at work.’ Listen; any job that can’t support your having a beard, is probably not worth keeping. Oh, sure, I know in these troubled times, having a job and keeping it is tough. But listen; if your company is ready to fire you for having a beard, they probably were just about to let you go anyhow. 

Hmmm. A potent challenge to beard-dom, that is. Well, let’s look at the principle arguments typically launched by women.

1. It scratches my face.

Possible pro-beard replies:

•  poking a hole through the cartilaginous tissue of your lower ear and then putting a sharp metal ring or needle through it, possibly decorated with one of the hardest stones known to mankind is OK, but a beard scratches your face?

• stubble is worse than a good, full grown, King-of-Sparta kick ass beard. A man who shaves is smooth for a few precious hours, but that’s all. Very soon, small, sharp, inflexible hairs start growing. Beard hair is longer, more flexible, and very often not pointed directly at you. Probably a better kind of scratching.

• It’s supposed to scratch your face. Look, if prevailing cultural fashion meant that men were attracted to women with nearly no breasts at all, and women were encouraged to get surgery to minimize their breasts, women would be jumping up and down about how it was un-natural, and men were all a bunch of pedophiles. Women who want a man whose face is ‘as smooth as a baby’s bottom’ should find some counseling to answer the question of why the flaming hell they think rubbing up against a baby’s ass and sexual attraction are in any way compatible.

• Take the dog away from your face long enough to argue coherently, lady. Oh, sure, kissing that miniature dachshund, the one that was just cleaning his ass and balls in the corner with his mouth is OK, but your guy with a beard is not cool. That doggy beard may contain traces of ass, but a neatly shampooed man-beard (and everyone knows men are too inflexible to lick our own junk) will contain nothing of the sort.

Well, that takes care of part one of our “Case for the Beard”. Thanks Mr. Horsecock the III, we look forward to the next instalment! 

Peace out bearded homies