Pun Free and Lovin’ It: Summer vacation is over

Mary Wanna Movement?

The score and a half nothings came up from the stair head, they came bearing bowls of lather on which mirrors and razors lay crossed. Yellow dressing gowns, ungirdled, were sustained gently behind them by the mild midmorning air. They held their bowls aloft and intoned; “diastematastic love children, blowing your rapture whistle, whirling spam flavored breakfast foods and an inflatable man you dont have to hide in your closet!” Halted, they peered down the dark winding stair and called up… some really bad puns. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “Hey Meestur, that is natto your fermented bean curd!”

Two shots and a Splash:

Contact. Steel cables slide into place, inviting nothingness. Formless and strange the Thirtyno’s conciousnesses search for the effect amid the madding scream of the data. Chrome hearts beating to the pulse of the information they pause, basking in the micro-fractional diode heat before plunging back into the violently aggravated streams. Root; “Of Bastards Play and Cripples Chairs”, “Broken Tear or Wrists”, “Open Thors” and “Extra Terrasteel A-Tacs”. Unmoved by their futile search, the chilling chrome mocks their progress with arrogant silence. Madness. Seconds pass, the void beckons “doom”, and fruitless searches grow increasingly desperate. With nothing left to sustain them, all electronic impulses will die. End. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode, “How about them Yankees?”

The Hoaxtess with the Mostess:

So it’s summer again and the Thirtynothings want nothing more than to travel across the country with their buddies on the best road trip ever! But they can’t. They have to work all summer to pay back all the things they wrecked on their last wacky adventure, wrecked things such as; Fakey Easter Orbs, the Sticks and Balls Report, the Canadian Erection and Tony Danza’s career. Frustrated with their situation, The Thirtynothings quit their job in a fit of pique! Only after they catch up to their buddies do they find out that they are not wanted and that Winnie has fallen for a lifeguard named Eric. A life lesson indeed! Julian’s secret topic for this episode “Dialectic means it makes you go pee, right?”

Show Roll :

• 420, the Bag of Weed
• Pretty retarded..   but here’s something real to fearful of this spring
• Tony, please hold me closer..
• Behind the scenes with Dana White at UFC 129. SOme funny stuff.  
• Hitler is unimpressed with the Candian election results

Joni Mitchell’s Mingus:

So it seems the cat is out of the bag, the camel is out of the kitchen and Monte’s python has permanently blinded his last little person. Yes the rumors are true, the beloved Thirtynothings have thrown their collective hats (one top-hat, one fez and three propeller beanies) into the ring and are running for office! Buoyed by a groundswell of grassroots public support and little orange water-wings, the Thirtynots political platform mostly consists of these hot button topics; girls getting soccer paunched by a robot with a shot-put, Arnie’s sad sad tune, dirty sexy Asian frying pans, and the legalization of private self-gratification. After the press release went public a campaign supporter politely told our boys that private self-gratification had actually never been made illegal, shortly thereafter our titans of political savvy announced that all their most pressing concerns had been met and that they were retiring from the political grind. They then all went to their respective bathrooms and locked the doors behind them. Rob and Jules’s secret musical topic for this episode “Actually this city was built mostly on asphalt and concrete…”

This ain’t your momma’s award show..

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to that awards show to end all awards shows, that celebration of all that is beautiful, that thing which does something for that other thing, The Sheen Awards! Cryogenically thawed just once a year for these ceremonies are our beloved presenters, The Thirtynothings! Once again we come to you live from a rancid smelling dumpster just down the block from the glorious Kodack Theatre! Tonight, thanks in part to a grant from the ‘Sheen Charitable Foundation for the Promotion of Winning, Epicness and Ho-Banging’ we will all find out which lucky winners will be haunted by the doomed souls trapped within each and every horrific little golden statuette! Sorry Gary, maybe next year.

Tranny Tippin’:

Humans Beware! Created by the brilliant Dr. V the RoboThirtyNots are found to be extremely capable at fighting crime and saving the lives of naked teen girls but are unable to understand humans concepts like love, honor and lavish nonsensical dance numbers. Though it pains him to do do it, Dr. V disassembles the poor boys and throws their parts in the bangla-dump. These parts are then retrieved by the evil Aishwarya Rai and reassembled along with sinister new programming. These programs include; being down with OCP in DRC, getting fitted for Fleshlights at the rubber dong show, giving Jennifer Love Hewitt “just the tip” and other assorted nonsense. Naturally the Thirtybots go on a killing spree, forming themselves into giant snakes, whirling balls of machine-gun death and other geometric shapes of destruction. They eventually die of boredom when they realize that the damn thing runs for over three hours. Jason’s secret topic for this episode “Legerdemain, is it really in your Bollywood?”

Great White Dook:

After leaving this steaming pile of podcast in Karl’s basement the esteemed gentlemen of the three-oh-nots had to call in the heavy duty cleanup crew. Peanuts in this coil included; Enthiran the Dragon, things laid in theatres this month, Spartacus sans Spartacus and what will Lord Humungous do now that his sweet Wez is leaving Toronto? Robyn’s and Jules’s secret topics for this episode, “Circling the drain” and “What’s up with pay bathroom stalls?” were quickly scooped up and disposed of. The boys felt relieved but a little empty inside after squeezing this one out. Totally makes you want to listen to it, doesn’t it?

Faggot about it:

Thrashing air escapes lungs and bubbles toward the surface. Panicked and struggling the Thirtynaughts are pulled into the depths. Frenzied movements become ever more desperate as concrete burdens bear them ceaselessly downward. Dimming minds drift back to the events of the previous day and how they lead them to this place; the non Ace Ventura talking bums, the homosexual millionaires jet’s disappearing off of Knopfler radar, the digital Dude’s discourse (it’s 3D) and how they all ended up getting busted in Phoenix. Unable to call for help, unable to scream and finally unable even to struggle, the Thirtynothings black out and settle quietly into their watery rests. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “Guys I’m thinking we should rat on the mob. Really, what’s the worst that can happen?”

The Holiday Taint:

To those listening to this podcast, beware, certain truths are spoken within that “they” don’t want you to know. After releasing this podcast to the world the Thirthynothings are going into hiding. The unmarked helicopters are ready to take us to our secret bunkers hidden deep beneath the frozen north. Secrets revealed include; Secret Masonic messages hidden inside classic holiday TV and movies, Illuminati Top Squirts 2010, Video game cabal brainwashing, Dramatistic sex cults and the 2011 Starwhackers hit list. When the lizard men in black suits show up at your door, don’t say we didn’t warn you. Julian’s secret topic for this episode, “You really expect me to listen to all of these?”