Pun Free and Lovin’ It: Summer vacation is over

Mary Wanna Movement?

The score and a half nothings came up from the stair head, they came bearing bowls of lather on which mirrors and razors lay crossed. Yellow dressing gowns, ungirdled, were sustained gently behind them by the mild midmorning air. They held their bowls aloft and intoned; “diastematastic love children, blowing your rapture whistle, whirling spam flavored breakfast foods and an inflatable man you dont have to hide in your closet!” Halted, they peered down the dark winding stair and called up… some really bad puns. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “Hey Meestur, that is natto your fermented bean curd!”

Two shots and a Splash:

Contact. Steel cables slide into place, inviting nothingness. Formless and strange the Thirtyno’s conciousnesses search for the effect amid the madding scream of the data. Chrome hearts beating to the pulse of the information they pause, basking in the micro-fractional diode heat before plunging back into the violently aggravated streams. Root; “Of Bastards Play and Cripples Chairs”, “Broken Tear or Wrists”, “Open Thors” and “Extra Terrasteel A-Tacs”. Unmoved by their futile search, the chilling chrome mocks their progress with arrogant silence. Madness. Seconds pass, the void beckons “doom”, and fruitless searches grow increasingly desperate. With nothing left to sustain them, all electronic impulses will die. End. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode, “How about them Yankees?”

The Hoaxtess with the Mostess:

So it’s summer again and the Thirtynothings want nothing more than to travel across the country with their buddies on the best road trip ever! But they can’t. They have to work all summer to pay back all the things they wrecked on their last wacky adventure, wrecked things such as; Fakey Easter Orbs, the Sticks and Balls Report, the Canadian Erection and Tony Danza’s career. Frustrated with their situation, The Thirtynothings quit their job in a fit of pique! Only after they catch up to their buddies do they find out that they are not wanted and that Winnie has fallen for a lifeguard named Eric. A life lesson indeed! Julian’s secret topic for this episode “Dialectic means it makes you go pee, right?”

Show Roll :

• 420, the Bag of Weed
• Pretty retarded..   but here’s something real to fearful of this spring
• Tony, please hold me closer..
• Behind the scenes with Dana White at UFC 129. SOme funny stuff.  
• Hitler is unimpressed with the Candian election results

Joni Mitchell’s Mingus:

So it seems the cat is out of the bag, the camel is out of the kitchen and Monte’s python has permanently blinded his last little person. Yes the rumors are true, the beloved Thirtynothings have thrown their collective hats (one top-hat, one fez and three propeller beanies) into the ring and are running for office! Buoyed by a groundswell of grassroots public support and little orange water-wings, the Thirtynots political platform mostly consists of these hot button topics; girls getting soccer paunched by a robot with a shot-put, Arnie’s sad sad tune, dirty sexy Asian frying pans, and the legalization of private self-gratification. After the press release went public a campaign supporter politely told our boys that private self-gratification had actually never been made illegal, shortly thereafter our titans of political savvy announced that all their most pressing concerns had been met and that they were retiring from the political grind. They then all went to their respective bathrooms and locked the doors behind them. Rob and Jules’s secret musical topic for this episode “Actually this city was built mostly on asphalt and concrete…”

This ain’t your momma’s award show..

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen to that awards show to end all awards shows, that celebration of all that is beautiful, that thing which does something for that other thing, The Sheen Awards! Cryogenically thawed just once a year for these ceremonies are our beloved presenters, The Thirtynothings! Once again we come to you live from a rancid smelling dumpster just down the block from the glorious Kodack Theatre! Tonight, thanks in part to a grant from the ‘Sheen Charitable Foundation for the Promotion of Winning, Epicness and Ho-Banging’ we will all find out which lucky winners will be haunted by the doomed souls trapped within each and every horrific little golden statuette! Sorry Gary, maybe next year.

Tranny Tippin’:

Humans Beware! Created by the brilliant Dr. V the RoboThirtyNots are found to be extremely capable at fighting crime and saving the lives of naked teen girls but are unable to understand humans concepts like love, honor and lavish nonsensical dance numbers. Though it pains him to do do it, Dr. V disassembles the poor boys and throws their parts in the bangla-dump. These parts are then retrieved by the evil Aishwarya Rai and reassembled along with sinister new programming. These programs include; being down with OCP in DRC, getting fitted for Fleshlights at the rubber dong show, giving Jennifer Love Hewitt “just the tip” and other assorted nonsense. Naturally the Thirtybots go on a killing spree, forming themselves into giant snakes, whirling balls of machine-gun death and other geometric shapes of destruction. They eventually die of boredom when they realize that the damn thing runs for over three hours. Jason’s secret topic for this episode “Legerdemain, is it really in your Bollywood?”

Great White Dook:

After leaving this steaming pile of podcast in Karl’s basement the esteemed gentlemen of the three-oh-nots had to call in the heavy duty cleanup crew. Peanuts in this coil included; Enthiran the Dragon, things laid in theatres this month, Spartacus sans Spartacus and what will Lord Humungous do now that his sweet Wez is leaving Toronto? Robyn’s and Jules’s secret topics for this episode, “Circling the drain” and “What’s up with pay bathroom stalls?” were quickly scooped up and disposed of. The boys felt relieved but a little empty inside after squeezing this one out. Totally makes you want to listen to it, doesn’t it?

Faggot about it:

Thrashing air escapes lungs and bubbles toward the surface. Panicked and struggling the Thirtynaughts are pulled into the depths. Frenzied movements become ever more desperate as concrete burdens bear them ceaselessly downward. Dimming minds drift back to the events of the previous day and how they lead them to this place; the non Ace Ventura talking bums, the homosexual millionaires jet’s disappearing off of Knopfler radar, the digital Dude’s discourse (it’s 3D) and how they all ended up getting busted in Phoenix. Unable to call for help, unable to scream and finally unable even to struggle, the Thirtynothings black out and settle quietly into their watery rests. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “Guys I’m thinking we should rat on the mob. Really, what’s the worst that can happen?”

The Holiday Taint:

To those listening to this podcast, beware, certain truths are spoken within that “they” don’t want you to know. After releasing this podcast to the world the Thirthynothings are going into hiding. The unmarked helicopters are ready to take us to our secret bunkers hidden deep beneath the frozen north. Secrets revealed include; Secret Masonic messages hidden inside classic holiday TV and movies, Illuminati Top Squirts 2010, Video game cabal brainwashing, Dramatistic sex cults and the 2011 Starwhackers hit list. When the lizard men in black suits show up at your door, don’t say we didn’t warn you. Julian’s secret topic for this episode, “You really expect me to listen to all of these?”

Turning Japanese:

Here we find the inscrutable Thirtynaughts tank almost on empty and less than half way on their 3000 mile trip to Graceland. The gang pulls the 64’ Continental over to the side of the road and decides the most logical thing to do it to wander aimlessly off into the desert looking for help. After miles of walking they meet a helpful shaman who offers to guide them on their way. Some of their hallucinations include; keeping in touch with long lost 30nothings, seeing giant turds in the theatre, Korean on Korean violence and “banging orcs” addictive or just damn fun? The gang wakes up back in their car with killer headaches, suspiciously sore backsides and a full tank of gas. Realizing that none of them are big Elvis fans anyways they promptly turn around and drive back home. Jason’s secret topic for this episode “I am never coming back to this cold ass country again!”

The Worst Halloween Show Ever:

Three miles from the front the brave doctors of the “Three Oh Nothing Nothing” mobile army surgical hospital learn about life, love, death and the horrors of war. During their run Rob sleeps with his teddy bear, Darren shows up for the ‘cast wearing a dress and Mike and Karl desperately try to find out who has the “hottest lips”. Very special episodes include; getting “happy” and other queer definitions, Giants hitting balls into the family jewels and filthy rotting soulless creatures (who do not appear on the Jersey Shore). All of them are shaken by the news that Jeremy’s plane has been shot down over the Sea of Japan. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “Are the kids really going to get this reference?”

Show Roll:

• Rules for Cricket, looks like you only need 95 dudes to play
• The Halloween Superstore! 
• Karl’s most anticipated movie of 2011.. behold, Stiff!
• The Walking Dead experience
• Hitler’s return..
• Gene Simmons second greatest movie role as a villain
• Where’s Jer ?

Gobbling the Family Jules:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, some doughy guys in a basement are proud to present the grand Thirtynothings Circus. Be shocked and amazed at the parade of the world’s oddest freaks and listen raptly as they spout inane and inappropriate gibberish. Garish and exotic topics may include; underground Chilean gay hangouts, seemingly endless comic book talk, movies so bad you wouldn’t piss on them if they were on fire and other assorted aural lameness from around the world. Welcome one and all to the greatest podcast on Earth! Or at least the second greatest podcast originating from Karl’s Basement. Julian’s secret topic for this episode “Does anyone know why I agreed to do this?”

Show Roll:

• The Chilean miner synopsis 
• Big Tits Zombies, it’s for real
• A good breakdown of the major Super Powers
• Thankskilling, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Human Centipede, and Teeth. Four unseen gems for the masses.
• Batman has pet peeves just like the rest of us

Phoenix is a C:

The Thirtynothings disappeared that summer, they were on a fishing trip. The last ‘cast they recorded (in overtime) won them the internets. In 1962, the year they discovered; Bentley’s new “hobo hooker” option, all aboot streaming movies for the beavers eh, a Phoenix rises from the asses and dammit Tom Six why not a human ladybug? The Thirtynothings admit that they stole this from a hockey card, and furthermore they promise from this point on to keep it tucked up under. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “Hey what happened to Jules, did I work it in to look like that?”

Phil Collins Skidmarks:

Whilst out tending their sheep the Thirtynothings sleepy little village is set upon by ferocious monsters led by the evil General Foozle! This horrible act leads them on a quest of bloody vengeance and intimate self awakening. On this grand adventure they will discover; an army of heavily armed homeless, how to ‘fall’ in love with a dirty dirty T.V. and they will learn how the d-bags spent their summer vacation. Upon finally reaching the dreaded General Foozle the Thirtynothings come to the realization that those villagers had kind of been dicks to them, so they apologize to Foozle and wander heroically into the sunset. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “Never trust a frozen cookie!”

Show Roll:

• All Hobo, all the time
• Stop messing with my day Zombie Nazis!!
• Fall TV Breakdown..  all crap, except for Walking Dead !!
• I don’t know what’s so entertaining, the fact Cee-Lo swears lots, or that the song is damn catchy.
• Kanye should win the biggest douchebag of the decade award, not just year
• This guy might even be a bigger douche though.. , or maybe even this guy

Greased up Shotgun:

In every generation, a story is told that is so powerful, so moving that it shapes the very fabric of its time. This might be one of those stories, then again it might not. They only pay me to write the blurbs I hope they don’t expect me to listen to this inane tripe. So they tell me that those little bastards talked about stuff, stuff like; Expendables all Stalonely at the top, Buckaroo Chubbies Across the 3rd Dimension, How to dongle your PS3 in one easy step and “Living with Nothing”, the story of the Thirtynothings. The one part I always tune in for though is RST, that dude is seriously messed up! Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “Yakkity Sax, why Yakkity Sax?”

Show Roll:

• Wikipedia Karl strikes again
• Aint it Cool loves the Expendables, you should to!
• How could I ever get rid of my 30,000 little plastic men
• Getting Exor-rolled!
• Chinese first in 3D blurred penises
• The Dongle, not to be confused with dangle
• Dead Squireel Beer, yum yum

As well, don’t forget to visit our friends over at Mail Order Zombie, the definitive podcast of all things related to zombies.

The Pose Down:

All tuckered out from a long hard day in the ‘Long Hard’ brand latex dildo factory those tired little tikes, The Thrirtynothings, settle down for a long summers nap. Immediately upon falling asleep however their minds are filled with a most horrific series of images, including; Mad Max beyond blunder phone, LeBosh Wade feeling the Heat, an Italian stallion trashes Mr. Mom in fake muscles and illegal aliens versus sexual predators. Upon waking all of the boys seriously regretted not wearing their recommended respiratory devices, and also taking all that discount peyote. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “But guys, I really wanted to talk about Lindsay Lohan!”

Show Roll:

• BOM does not mean F you in polish, liars.. 
• Sly doesn’t need a rubber suit
• Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, POWER!
• King James..  loser
• What do you mean better off without an Arnie cameo?! Otherwise, not a bad article
• The best remix happening, Mel vs. Bale

Jubulani Extravaganza:

After this very podcast was crafted the 30 Nothings looked upon what they had created and wept, for they knew that they would never again be a part of something so beautiful and pure. As the tears flowed unchecked down their awestruck faces they thought of the moments which had lead them to this; Tom cruising for a box office bruising, World cups balls, Besti‘s Flokkurinn of Seagulls, Hating on guys getting millions to play games, and Gee, twenty rioters, that doesn’t even sound like that many. Shortly thereafter the boys, after nearly passing out, realized the tears probably had more to do with the toxic fumes Darren had been quietly producing throughout the entire ‘cast. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “It’s so beautiful! What does it meeeeean!?”

Real Talk:

Setting out on a dark and ill-omened night to summon a great magick upon the face of the world (they were going to curse their enemies’ televisions to show nothing but “Jersey Shore” on every channel), instead those arcane scholars the 30naughts accidentally created this podcast out of pure unchained evil and just a little dash of oregano. Upon realizing what had happened they attempted to banish their foul creation by chanting words that sounded suspiciously like; ‘Another Golden Girl at the Rue Morgue’, ‘Creeping blackness from the darkest depths of the sea envelops phallic coast’, ‘spells to remember “lost” enchantments’ and ‘practical notes on the toppling of evil Umpires’. Local children were said to have horrible dreams that night in which they saw themselves growing up (very slowly) and horribly disappointing their parents. Robyn’s secret topic for this episode “I am trapped for eternity in this podcast, please send help!”

Show Roll:

• “What they Eat, don’t make us shit”.. Real Talk!
• North South to Mount! AKA, 69 to Pearl Necklace 
• MMA is not gay, but Soccer sure is!
• You definitive guide to all things Golden 
• Obama can fix it
• I’m going to rename the list to, “EW’s list of just random shit drawn from a hat.”
• Poor Jim Joyce..  apoligizes yet again , and the Iron Sheik is not pleased.. 
• I wouldn’t go tenting with Eddie, but a drink is still cool

Puddin’ Kitties:

The 30 Nothings are taking their show on the road! Those upstanding youth are taking their personal message of self-flagellation and auto maintenance on a sea to shining sea speaking tour. If you can meet their requirements maybe you can have the 30naughts speak at your child’s Christening, Bris or 4H sow-off. Notable entries on their rider include; Cat-Gut Purses, Hobo Baby Birds, “Get Lost” Haters, Jerry Orbach’s Eyes, Olivia Munn and a case of Crystal Alien Skull Vodka. Their first scheduled speaking arrangement is Tuesday at the highway 1 rest stop between P.A and Moosejaw, the other dates are TBD. Robyn’s secret statement for this episode “Yeah I was there, I just had nothing to say to those jackasses”.

Show Roll:

• Pudding kitty..   the tasty, half witted treat!
• Lost is over and I need a replacement. Here’s a darn decent list..
• Heat Vision and Jack, the show that should of been
• Alien Contact..  can’t be good says “Wheels”
• Drinking with celebrities.. just know when to stop because sometimes they don’t
• Hobos and Toddlers, different? Every time you see the word toddler in that article, replace it with Hobo and you get a view into our guy Darren!